I can’t really be friends with you if you believe the Earth is flat … sorry

By NATHANIEL WOODWARD

    Holy cow people, what in the wacky wide world is going on?
    First there were the climate deniers, then the GMO opponents and then the anti-vaxers, but never in a million years did I think I’d have to argue with people over the shape of the dang planet.
I mean, really?
    At least I would hope for some honest dissent with certifiable or falsifiable evidence. But no, apparently that’s too much to ask for.
In the age of Gwyneth Paltrows, Ben Carsons, Kardashians, Shaqs, Jenny McCarthys and other celebrities with sizable audiences, it may be no wonder that so many people have absolutely no idea what science is, they’re being force-fed by the oblivious and corrupt.
    So, much to my chagrin, I will present to you just a few examples of why the earth must by a sphere.
If, after these pieces of evidence you continue to deny the Earth is a globe, then I’m sorry, we can no longer be friends.
    I’m not even going to explore the fact we have pictures of the planet from space or that many of you are reading this only because there are satellites orbiting the planet that could not stay above us save the Newtonian laws of gravity, which only work because planets are spherical…because that would be just too simple.
    So first we will come to the understanding that we don’t need space travel to know the Earth is a sphere; the Ancient Greeks figured it out thousands of years ago only using sticks and shadows.
    Take some time and read up on Eratoshtenes and how he was able to accurately measure the size of the earth without ever leaving Northern Africa.
    You can replicate his experiment yourself, just take one other “woke” flat-earther and drive about 200 miles apart north or south of each other. Take a long straight stick and call each other, then you each measure the length/degree of the shadow at the end of your long stick. If it’s different, guess what? The Earth is round.
    Now take that stick and smack each other over the head with it for making me write this article.
    Second, look at the Coriolis effect. Ever see a hurricane?
Do you know why its circular?
    Because the planet is spinning, only on a globe would storms look the way they do.
    Additionally, many flat-earthers tend to own an excessive amount of firearms, so you should naturally be accustomed to the Coriolis effect of long-range sniper fire. Is Call of Duty part of the NASA conspiracy, too?
Third, I’ve seen plenty of examples of flat-earth “proof” by people standing on mountains and using a straightedge to show that the horizon is flat, which is completely accurate.
    What they don’t take into account is how unbelievably small they are compared to the PLANET they are standing on; you know, the one that’s 25,000 miles around.
You’d have to be much, much higher to see an appreciable curve.
    Finally, the last point I want to bring up is gravity. Seriously folks, to believe the Earth is flat is to reject a mathematical certainty.
    We have proof beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the Earth is a sphere simply because the laws of mathematics declare it must be so.
    If you want to prove to me the Earth is flat and that NASA is a hoax, then you must sit down with me and show me your math; if you cannot do that, then you must either accept the farce you have come to believe is a sham or accept the basic scientific fact the Earth is indeed a sphere. A beautiful, smooth and mathematically correct sphere.
    So, now we know beyond a shadow of a doubt the Earth is round.
    Congratulations, we are now officially as scientifically literate as my 2-year-old.
    I’m a… going to go bang my head against a pole for a while now.