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My life is full of corporate ‘bling’

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Richard Shaw

By Richard Shaw

Every time I go to any show, fair, expo, conference, meeting, or kindergarten program, somehow I end up with corporate bling to bring home. Some people call it swag or schwag, but I call it bling. So sue me.
My cup (or desk drawers in this case) runneth over with bling of all types. Pens, bolos, calculators, squeeze balls, notepads, lanyards, hand sanitizers, yo-yos, phone covers, shot glasses, key chains and golf tees.
And I don’t even play golf.
I know people who go to events just to get free stuff whether they are really interested or not. So much of it is really useless. Other things they pass out are just embarrassing. And some are downright dangerous.
I used to have a friend who went to all the events and conferences he could to increase the size of his paperweight collection. He is no longer my friend because I could think of nothing in the world of corporate premiums that was more useless, and he was obsessed with them. As for any paper weights I get, they do get used. To weigh down the paper in my trash can.

Some bling is useful

Some things are useful though. Things like towels (usually comparable to the quality you get at the Bates Motel and the size of smart card) t-shirts (if you don’t mind the logo or the saying on them), sweatshirts (if you don’t like the logo and it’s cold they are still warm), socks (no one sees the logos on them anyway), umbrellas, bags, blankets and the ever present baseball cap. I have a real collection of organizational bling caps. Seems a few years ago everyone was on the cap craze.
They are good for when I go shooting (not to wear but for targets) since many of the particular caps I have gained in the last few years coincide with my dislike for a certain institution of higher learning. The latter alphabet letter on the front of them stands out so well at 100 yards. Mugs are also good for target practice too because they blow up so well when I hit them with my .44.
Sometimes when you go to shows you get what I term fool’s bling a knockoff description of the term fool’s gold. In the seventies when I was young and somewhat dumber than I am now I got what looked like a pretty nice watch from a company at a conference. I couldn’t believe it was a Rolex they handed me, and well it wasn’t. In small letters on the face it said ‘Rolux’ right under the big bright E denoting the company that gave it to me. The guy passing them out even said “Want a Rolux watch?” My ear was not very discerning. Rolux…Rolex…who could tell the difference. I used it for about a week but it lost five minutes every hour. Do you know how fast that time loss adds up and how many people you can make mad for being late?
Through this and other instances I learned a long time ago that when you give out something for your company that is crappy or useless, it is well, not a very good calling card. Someone gave me a cell phone holder to go on my night stand once. I thought I would try it, it seemed a reasonable device. So I set it up right next to the glass of water I keep on my wife’s dresser by the bed every night. In the shadows I couldn’t tell the difference and knocked the glass of water over twice in a week. You know, fool me once and of course I will go for it again. Fool me twice and I was in line to buy my wife a new dresser.

Tech stuff is good

Sometimes you really do get something useful, in fact very useful. I kind of like some of the tech stuff that they pass out; you know things like chargers for your phone (which I continually lose), batteries that help to recharge your devices on the run, memory sticks for my computer and I particularly like things that either provide light or have a light built into them. My motto is you can never have enough flash lights or light sources. That is probably because at my advanced age I need all the light I can get to see things.

Food is good

Food can be good too, or not. I hate most of the mints that people supply in those little containers they pass out. They are like 10 times more minty than really bad toothpaste. Candy is good. I once had a friend that had a consulting company and he has his logo placed on caramels. They cost him a lot of money but he was so proud of them. Unfortunately everyone ate up all his profits and he went out of business. Of course food companies give out samples, and sometimes those are pretty good. Just to let you know if I am coming to a show where you will be giving away stuff I like cookies.
All these little things seem insignificant to most of us. I mean if someone gives you a pen that costs a dime and you use it twice and then toss it because it doesn’t work anymore, it is not much of a gift. But based on figures provided by a number of sources, promotional premiums (that is the industry name for all these things that are described as free) is a huge business. I saw one figure that said 90 billion dollars a year in the United States. That’s a heck of a lot of pens and mugs. That much money might even make the Donald look up from signing an executive order or two.
And how effective are these premiums? Well, the the promotional product industry says they are the very best way to advertise. They say that 80 percent of customers own at least a half dozen promotional products and that over 50 percent of those people use those products at least once a week. And they also say that only one in five customers actually throw their promotional products away. I know many I have laying around and I throw them away all the time. I can’t imagine what some people must have stashed away in the recesses of their houses and offices then.
Well it is late and with that said I am now going to go write out a check to the kid who cuts my lawn with my credit union pen, drink some coffee made from a single serve sample I got at a food conference last year out of my Google mug, wrap up in the blanket I received from a printing supply place, read a journal about my high cholesterol that was sent to me by a drug company last week and listen to some music on my computer from a memory stick I stood in line to get at a Wasatch Front mall during a giveaway three years ago.
The free bling life is good.

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