I resolve to clean up my cooking and kitchen habits.
Yep, that’s what I told my wife on New Years Eve, after once again I was caught doing something I was not supposed to do in the kitchen.
Since I kind of retired a year and a half ago (you know, when I wrote for the paper and actually had to work out of the office), I have taken up the fine art of cooking to a much larger degree. Before that time I was good at fixing hot dogs, making chili out of can and burning steaks on the grill. Since I have refined my skills now being able to fix hot dogs, make chili out of can and …well, you get the picture.
A culinary sneak
There have always been rules in the kitchen at our house. I just never followed them when no one was looking. I am a culinary sneak…a person who makes stuff to eat but does it without regulation on the damage or messes I create. It’s not that my cooking is bad to eat, or at least I don’t think so, but it is that to create my culinary delights, I throw the entire kitchen into chaos.
Those that commit crimes as a career are the experts at that, and allegedly what I do in the kitchen is a crime. So here I am with the eight points I have learned that will possibly make your working in a kitchen better for others involved.
I
Put silverware (after it is washed, of course) back in the proper slots in the drawer that is designed for it. The same goes for all utensils that might be used during any cooking process. This is because while you may know where you put the apple corer, garlic press, mango slicer or pastry cutter, no one else will. As if anyone really needs a mango slicer on a regular basis.
II
Never cook on high. Personally I think high is good. Isn’t it logical that if you put it on high the meat you are cooking will cook faster? I mean when I step on the accelerator a car it goes faster, so why shouldn’t cooking faster on high be a good thing? Well, it apparently isn’t although no one has been really able to explain this to me. I was told it ruins pans and actually destroys most things you are cooking. What? A well burnt steak with an accompanying pan that is warped is not a culinary delight?
III
Use only one or two places in the kitchen preparation area to make food unless it is a major meal for many people. My wife says I do six point preparation, regardless of what I am making whether it is getting a bowl of fruit out of the refrigerator or making a turkey sandwich. I say if you have the space, use it. Especially if you don’t have to clean up after yourself. And another rule I am supposed to follow. Never assume that counters and tables are clean when you start preparation. Clean them like they are dirty before you start. Yeah, let’s make Rick do twice as much work.
IV
Wash your hands before you empty the dishwasher. And no petting dogs while doing so. Rinse the dishes entirely off before putting them in the machine. Leave no seed, egg yolk residual or smear of mayonnaise on a plate. Rinse glasses and cups out. All silverware must be completely clean before it is placed in the automatic. No pans go in the machine, those must be hand washed. And anything plastic such as Tupperware or Rubbermaid containers get the same treatment as the pans. And do not put your baseball caps in the dishwasher to clean them. The rules are strict and the punishment is great for not following these regulations. But I still ask the question that begs to be answered. If all this is true, and I have to wash everything first, why the hell do we need a dishwasher?
V
All kitchen linen must be changed daily. Think of them like underpants. Would you wear those two days in a row? Well that was the question I was asked when I was told about this rule. I refused to answer it.
VI
The counters are not the only thing that need cleaning after meal preparation and cooking. Scrub the stove, back splashes and mop the floor. I think that last one is a rule just for me. I tend to spill and drop things. However, I think mopping is totally unnecessary regardless of what I spill. After all the dogs will clean it up so good it looks as if it is mopped anyway.
VII
There are some rules about food itself too. Bread goes in the bread box, not on top of it despite the fact that the former is easier. Never place a half drunk glasses of milk in the fridge. And don’t drink out of the carton to avoid not doing this. When you defrost something, don’t park it in the microwave to protect it from vermin, bugs and dogs overnight. If you do this you will be feeding it to vermin, bugs and dogs in the morning because it will have become a bacteria culture that could be used for research in a lab that is looking for cures for major diseases.
Again I resolve to abide by all kitchen rules in 2017.
Now it is written, let it be done. You know, just like all New Year’s resolutions are.